V went from being "single" to "in a relationship."

Thank you to everyone who has been there for me in the last week or two. Thank you for the texts, calls, emails, and comments. I really do have great friends who care and I hope that you all know that I would be there for you in a heartbeat too.

It's funny what a relationship change on a social network can spark. I was "married" to Lindsay for years. We sealed our marriage at the bayou when we got our spouse membership. She and Nate decided it was time for them to make their real relationship official so I had no choice but to be "single." I got a flood of texts and comments from friends wondering what happened (those who knew I was dating someone) and others telling me I was too good for that person (clearly they didn't notice that I went from "married" to "single" and that it was with a girl). It made me laugh honestly but it also made me realize that I do have good people in my life who will stand by my side no matter what happens.

Of course I've dated guys throughout the years but I never changed my status. Until now. This is my first real "relationship" on Facebook and it's weird. It's so...public. Obviously. It's not that I don't want people to know that I'm in a relationship. It's the possible future public breakup that I hate. And those nosy people who feel the need to stalk and spy (exes and snoopy girls, I'm looking at you). I know, we're all guilty of taking a peek at people's profiles. They are mostly public after all. It's strange to "be in a relationship" with someone in the social media world but I'll get used to it :)

I suppose I should update you on my thoughts and feelings since the last blog was a bit heavy hearted. Things are much better now. We've had talks and I've voiced my insecurities and concerns. I aired my vulnerability and he promised not to take advantage or hurt me. And for once (as opposed to other men in my past), I believe him. I told him that I have been hurt way too many times for him to give me a reason to be paranoid or suspicious. I'm working on myself now. Pushing all scared thoughts out of my head. Trying anyway.

While we may have hit our first little rough patch, I'm still happier than I have been in a long time. He really is as sweet as can be. And the way he looks at me? I think it's probably the same way I look at him :) I just adore the shit out of him. I have always loved my weekends but they are infinitely better with him around. In fact, the best part of my days are when I'm with him and he seems to feel the same way. We see each other pretty much every day, when we can. It's hard because we have complete opposite work schedules. I work days and he works nights but we make time. I'm not so sure it's normal but I still get butterflies and much too excited to see him after he gets off work. 11:30 never comes soon enough.

A heavy heart and a busy mind...

How is it possible for something to be so easy yet so hard at the same time? Caring about someone is so impossibly easy for me. I am incredibly lucky to have a heart full of love for those around me. It is very easy to lose sight and to be jaded in this world full of hurtful and hateful people. I get hurt just as much as anyone else. I often open my heart up just a little too much too fast and I am vulnerable more often than not. So of course I get jaded too when things go wrong and my heart gets broken. But I try really hard to forgive. It might take a day or it might take a year but I don't want to be cold and spiteful. Life is too short to be angry and hurt all the time. So I love. But sometimes, just sometimes, it's really hard to have so much love. When you care about someone/something so much that it hurts. When feelings are so strong that they engulf your entire being. Then you start to panic. Relationships are hard because no two people are exactly alike. No two people love the same exact way. Investing your heart more than the other person is a scary thought. When someone has had their heart broken over and over again, it makes them hesitant to open up again and let go. Unfortunately I don't have that built in wall and I am always ready to open up my heart to someone and I'm not so sure that's a good thing anymore. I try to convince myself that it is a good thing because if you keep your heart locked up and never let anyone in, how can you find love? But I think I'm in panic mode right now and I am scared shitless. My mind has been consumed with a lot of thoughts lately and I'm just not sure what to think.

Alright, so I wrote the first part earlier this afternoon when I was in a funk. I took a long break to spend time with a good friend. It's amazing what a good talk and a few tears can do for your mood. Am I still scared shitless? Yes. My mind has been all over the place in the last couple of weeks. This weekend was the peak. It's hard to be in a completely different state when there is stress at home. Don't get me wrong; I had a good time in San Diego with Andrew and Lindsay at Comic Con. But there was an underlying stress the entire trip and I broke down a few times. Thankfully things got resolved just before I got home so I was able to come home with relief. Buuuut it was short-lived. As soon as I got home, I was confronted with more added stress that has made me question myself and my heart. I like to think that I am an empathetic person and that I am understanding of people's feelings. But I have to keep my own feelings in mind too and some things just aren't okay. Everything got talked out and it's mostly done and over with. My only problem left is my own head. I am trying to remind myself that I understand where people are coming from and I shouldn't be upset anymore. But sometimes my brain gets the best of me and I overthink. More often than not. And I don't want my overthinking brain to ruin a good thing. So for now, I just need to remember to breathe and quiet my busy mind.

I know this post is pretty vague and I'm sorry. Well not really. It's my blog and I'll do what I want! :)

I could get used to this...

So much has happened since I wrote way back in February. The biggest things? I moved into a new place and I've met someone :)

At the beginning of June, I moved into Incline Terrace with Janelle. She used to live in the other building with our friend Brandon but he just moved in with his girlfriend and one of my best friends, Emily! We have a nice two bedroom, two bath place that overlooks our pool and we can see downtown Salt Lake. I really enjoy having my own space. So far so good.

It's funny how life works out. I guess "they" were right when they said that things come along when you least expect it. Or when you're not looking. As most of you know, I have always struggled with being single. I go through phases where I don't mind but for the most part, I've always been happier being in a relationship. Well, I haven't really been with anyone in almost two years. Not seriously. The last person I really truly dated was Ben (older guy with kids). A few months ago, I was finally content with being alone. Sure, I always told myself that being single is great since I can do whatever I want, I don't have to answer to anyone, I can hang out with all of my friends all the time, etc. etc. etc. But I never really believed myself until a few months ago.

Well, three weeks ago, I met someone. Okay, so we've known each other since last year but I guess we saw each other in a new light. We ran into each other randomly, hit it off and we've been inseparable ever since. We have spent every free moment together for the most part and it's been great. I forgot what it was like to be treated with respect, to have someone say nice things to me (and mean it), and just all around treat me the way I deserve to be treated. It has taken me some time to adjust and get used to this but I'm incredibly happy. The insecurities in me have me doubting it every once in awhile; maybe it's too good to be true. But I'm working on accepting that maybe, just maybe, I found someone that isn't going to treat me like shit or cheat on me. He isn't anything that I would have expected him to be but he's been nothing short of wonderful and guess what? He seems to adore me. I could get used to this.

Things I love...Friday!

Oops late again. Life's too busy to stay on schedule but I have a little bit of down time right now at work so here we go!

1. Girls night out with my aunt and Miche. Going out with two 30-somethings is just hilarious. They were tipsy after two shots of sake so I had to finish the bottle. I knew the waiter at Takashi (yum!) and he gave us another free bottle of sake and 3 sake-tinis! Oh boy. Giggles abound.

2. Takashi. Rosy glow (half sake, half plum wine), incredible sushi, and a swanky atmosphere. Enough said.

3. Meeting new people. It's refreshing and people are fun. I met two brothers last night that were a good time. Oli's going to help me with a bike!

3. Bikes! I love my bike, I do. She's just so damn heavy. I swear she's made out of steel and rocks. I am on the search for a lighter bike. It's been hard because I'm so short. Very few bike stores have had anything in my size but I'm not giving up.

4. Surprises. Sure I like getting surprises but what I really love is giving and planning surprises. What a thrill!

5. Thinking about buying a house or condo. It's a scary thought (big commitment!) but it's exciting too. Thinking about having my own place, decorating it, hosting dinner parties, game nights, etc. It's still in the early stages. I need to go over my finances to see if I can even afford to do it in the next little while. I'm hoping that I'm in the clear to do it before the end of April.

6. Reconnecting with people. We all go through different phases and we bob and weave in and out of each other's lives. It's nice to reconnect with people again.

7. Good friends. I probably put this on every list but it's true. It's funny how someone you've been friends with for awhile can still amaze you.

8. Taking pictures. If we're friends on facebook you probably know that I have over 80 photo albums. I can't help it. I love having my camera with me at all times and taking pictures of random happenings.

9. Reminiscing. I was looking at said photos yesterday and they just make me laugh. Pictures truly are worth a thousand words. Looking at certain photos, I can remember the nights clearly and how much fun life is.

10. Trying not to take life for granted. Life gets hard sometimes. I can be angry, stressed, and I can cry about it. And I do. But at the end of the day, I have to remember how great life is. I am so incredibly lucky for everything that I have. I have to remember not to take things so personally (which I do too often). I just have to look at my photos with my friends and my family and I know that life is wonderful.

Make it mine.

Phew. Finally feeling better and out of my funk. I think I'm allowed to have those after a couple of deaths right? I still miss my dog so much. I don't really cry anymore but my heart aches sometimes. I still come home expecting to see her and her bed is still there and when I walk by, sometimes I think I see her. I just miss the way she smells, her wagging tail, and her kisses. We got her cremated and also got a little paw print. I've got all kinds of stress in my life right now but I'm working through it.

One big thing that's been stressing me out is family. For the longest time, I've had such a close knit family. But lately, it's felt strained and I'm stuck in the middle. My mom feels like my aunt is being insensitive about things, my aunt feels like she gets blamed for everything, my uncle still doesn't care for my aunt, etc. etc. etc. And who has to be in the midst of it? Me. They all come to me to talk about it which normally would be fine but when it's family, it's hard. I just want it to go back to the way it used to be. Yearly family trips. One big happy family.

Another thing is my job and money. I recently found out that some people who were hired after me get paid more even though they seemingly do less. It's frustrating because I work pretty hard when I'm there. I don't work from home, I only call in sick when completely necessary, and I actually try to work instead of play around on myspace. Yes myspace. It's made me feel very bitter about it the last couple of weeks but I've decided that all I can do is work hard and maybe ask for a raise in a couple of months. We'll see. Asking for anything scares me.

On the money side again, I can't really complain. I make okay money and I'm starting to finally save. The question is, what do I do with it? I've been thinking about buying a condo or something but that's a big commitment. Am I ready? I think so. Ideally I'd like to get a two bedroom and have someone move in with me. Or I suppose I could just get an apartment. But honestly, the payments would be pretty close so why not just buy? I don't mind staying here for a couple more years. I just know nothing about buying.

This post has been mostly negative but emotions-wise, I'm feeling much better. More myself. Aside from some cheating, I've been eating healthier, working out, and putting myself out there. I am ready to take hold of this year again and make it mine.

Mindless thoughts

Where has everyone gone? I feel as though my friends have disappeared. It seems as though the people who I care about most have up and left. It would be one thing if it was one or two people here and there but it's not. It's most of my friends. And it makes me feel like no one gives a shit anymore. It's as if as soon as they found happiness and life got great, they suddenly decided they didn't need me anymore. I know I shouldn't take it personally but it's hard to stay unaffected. I feel so incredibly out of the loop with most of my good friends these days. It's not to say that I'm not happy for my friends. I am. I just wish that their happy lives could include me too sometimes. People talk about how I know everyone in Salt Lake but what difference does that make when your friends aren't there? All of those people are just acquaintances. They're not going to be there when I have down days, or when my dog dies, or when I feel lonely. But then again, at this point, neither are my friends. I'm tired of trying. These last couple of weeks have been really tough for me and I just don't have the energy to try.

Better than nothing...

I wish I had more time to actually write but TILTs are better than nothing right?

Today's edition of TILT:

1. Sundance fun. I've gone up to Park City a couple of times now and it has been a blast.

2. Ridiculous girls I love to hate. Okay, so I didn't hate the girls we ran into on Main Street but the one girl was quite obnoxious. But we all had a good laugh.

3. Meeting great people from New York. Actually, meeting new people from anywhere else because then you have people to visit!

4. Waking up to blue skies after a big snow storm the night before.

5. New music!

6. The way my dog gazes into my eyes like she adores me.

7. Free swag at Sundance

8. Harmless flirting

9. Watching the gropefest on the dance floor last night. I wasn't sure if I should laugh or vomit.

10. Cheating just a little bit with food while on my diet.

11. The fact that alcohol has seemed to have lost its appeal. I had a couple of drinks last night (cheat!) but I didn't really care for it. It was more of a social thing.

12. Good friends who have texted, called, and emailed me about my sick dog and my great uncle who passed away yesterday morning.

Life has felt stressful lately. Work, emotions, my dog, and just life in general. Thanks to those of you who have reached out to hold my hand.